Divorce Care
Divorce
John Raymond, MA
David Stoop and James Masteller in their book “Forgiving Our Parents Forgiving our selves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families” recognizes that “there is no such thing as a perfect parent. All of us are descended from imperfect parents, and grew up in imperfect families. However, to acknowledge this as an intellectual proposition is one thing. To actually admit that our parents have failed us is, for some, a very hard thing to do.” What parent does not fear divorced parental failure scenario for their children? Going through a divorce can amplify this fear. When a divorce occurs, failure as a parent is not the only failure that the isolated partner feels. There are feelings of failure of financial development, social interaction, and intimate emotional connections. Parents and individuals going through a divorce question their ability to recover from their loss and fear.
Parental failure is a common mood experienced by divorcing parents. For the custodial parent, being overwhelmed with the daily activities and responsibilities of rearing the children “alone” can be stifling. On the other hand, the non-custodial parent struggles with being a pertinent influence in their children’s lives. The custodial parent can be seen as the “parent” while the non-custodial parent can be seen as the “grandparent”, “event planner” or “Santa Clause”. Feeling guilty about relaxing while the children are with the non-custodial parent, is not uncommon. Feeling pressure to make the short amount of time the non-custodial parent has the children “quality” time is unreal—it is unrealistic. Not knowing what to do is frustrating for all involved. “Creative Parenting After Separation” by Elizabeth Seddon is a resource that may help with new ideas for the children. Another resource that may help at the start of the divorce is Mimi E Lyster’s book, “Building a Parenting Agreement That Works : How to Put Your Kids First When Your Marriage Doesn't...
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