Choosing Life
Choosing Life
Nicole Gilbert
English 101 Essay #1
Should I jump? Do I want to continue marinating in the numb abyss in which I’ve been? Or, deep down do I yearn to take a risk and live?
I guess that when day-to-day survival became so extremely painful, when it literally hurt to breathe-I did take a risk. I risked living. This risk, to date, has impacted my life more than learning to walk or talk. This risk involved taking off the labels of “domestic violence victim”, “alcoholic, Oxycontin® and cocaine addict”, and “homeless woman.”
Oh, how insidious domestic abuse is. Somehow the first boundary line was crossed while my conscious mind was diverted by some other thought. Thoughts like “He is so thoughtful”, “He is so charming and my family adores him,” or “My husband wouldn’t want anything but the best for me”. Slowly, I questioned myself on little things, the things I would have seen a mile away in others’ relationships. So I thought. I wondered why I had started a collection of secrets in my head that were not meant to ever be spoken. When did that start? No one wants to hear the unspeakable things happening to you when the world sleeps. I started feeling stoic in some way for being so good at holding secrets, secrets that nobody else had. It’s like having hair-line fractures in every bone in my body, knowing that I could still walk upright, and with full function. I wanted some control over myself, so I severely limited my food intake. By that time I was drinking my meals anyway. I got “caught” by my mom on the phone one night while my now ex-husband was raging. She told me that my dad was coming to get me, and informed me that I would be moving back home with them. Not until then did my family see how gaunt and underweight I had become. They told me I had been risking my life and asked why didn’t I tell them what was going on. I had no answer for them. That’s when it hit me, the complete shame and humiliation I had for myself...
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